


Whom A God Loves Dies Young

by The Hellion Studio (FullmoonDagger)



Category: Bendy and the Ink Machine
Genre: Angst, Bad Ending, Blood and Violence, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hellion Studio AU, Lots of Crying, M/M, Murder, Oral Sex, Sad, Smut, Violence, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:08:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22589185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FullmoonDagger/pseuds/The%20Hellion%20Studio
Summary: This is the story of how Joey and Grant got together, from its bloom to its wither. This isn't a happy story. Bittersweet at best.The fic fis rated as explicit but there is only one chapter that actually is (chapter 2) but I'd rather be safe- it is skippable!¤link to my tumblr, playlist for the fic etc→ https://wagldy.carrd.co
Relationships: Joey Drew/Grant Cohen
Comments: 12
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 0- prologue

The year is 1943. The golden age of the Hellion Studio has passed, work seems to be on its decline. Mr. Drew also seems to be on his decline. His relationship with Henry worsened since his experiments with demons made him angry and worried for him. He ended up taking some distance from him, he realised being constantly worried for his lover was detrimental to his own mental health. He was still in love, but not as close to him anymore. It was the first time Henry put his foot down and did something truly for himself. Joey understood but it was hard for him. He was left truly alone now. The last summoning attempt he did left him injured and weak, yet he was still forcing himself to work as hard as he could. It was obvious to him that it would do no good. His wrist was badly injured and pushing his limits was only making it worse. He kept going anyways, never he would allow himself to take a break. But as he couldn't do everything himself anymore, he and Henry decided to hire an accountant, Grant Cohen. Shy, reserved, polite. Brilliant at work. Most of the crew welcomed him with open arms.

It has been a few months now since he got hired. Joey despised him. Even more now that the other man seemed to have gotten interest in him -pity without a doubt. Awkward chats when they were both alone in the corridors, Grant's shy encouragements and little attentions. Joey hated it. He didn't want anyone to care for him yet another stubborn, foolish man got the stupid hope to try and fix him. He found it amusing, deep down, but he was tired of it. Grant didn't seem to see or acknowledge Joey was trying to push him away. He was still attentionate, kind, supportive. For no apparent reason. 

Joey's dislike for him wouldn't stop growing. But was it really?


	2. Chapter 1- Misunderstanding

Break room. Somewhere late at night. Everyone had left the studio by now. Joey saw how dark the sky was from his office before going down to get more coffee. He was barely able to put a foot in front of the other and missed some steps in the stairs every now and then. He thought he was the only one left in the building. That's what made sense. But he was wrong. Upon entering the small kitchen, he saw a familiar figure standing in front of the coffee pot, turning his back at him. His eyelid twitched.  _ Grant was there.  _ Why? Anger filled his whole body. What was he doing there? He stayed quiet, standing by the door, tugging at the thick bandages around his left wrist so the pain would keep him awake. 

_ "What the fuck." _ He simply muttered, not without struggle.

Grant turned around. Always friendly. Always soft. Always nice. Seeing his smile made Joey nauseous. He hated this man. He was stupidly stubborn at wanting to help him out. He hated it. He didn't need his help. He didn't need his  _ pity _ . Henry's was bearable, but Grant's... No. 

He looked at the man's gentle smile with disgust.

"Good evening Mr. Drew. I made you coffee." He kept his voice low. It was very soft to begin with, very quiet and discreet. 

Joey said nothing. He couldn't ignore him now, could he?

_ "What are you doing here." _ Joey asked slowly, marking each word.

Grant shrugged.

"Well, I had some extra work to finish... And I wanted to keep you company." He said warmly, pouring two cups of coffee.

_ "I don't need that." _

Grant sighed.

"I know..." 

Grant was always nice. Grant was always polite. Grant was always loving and cared about people. He never managed to keep a girlfriend for very long, or friends for that matter. He was too reserved, too uninteresting. People get bored of him. Yet he tried. He loved everyone. Even his boss who seemed to want nothing to do with him. He truly felt that he needed help. And he was right, Joey was in a very bad place both mentally and physically, but never he would acknowledge that, so accepting help for anything was out of the question.

Grant gently put down the coffee cup on the table closest to Joey, pushing it a little more towards the shorter man. 

"Here. At least have this."

Joey grumbled a reluctant thanks and grabbed the cup suspiciously. It felt nice to have a warm cup of coffee in his hands. He looked down into the black liquid, barely able to see his reflection because of how shaky his hands were. 

"You should sit down a bit and rest."

_ "Who the fuck are you?" _

Grant laughed uncomfortably.

"I'm just worried. I don't know how you're still standing up. You work so hard, you should allow yourself a break."

_ "Did I ask for your opinion?" _

Grant curled back on himself, looking down.

"No, no. I'm just saying."

_ "Then shut your trap and leave me be." _

Grant gulped. Joey was right. He sighed, taking a sip from his cup. He felt a little better when Joey did the same. It was important to him that the people in his surroundings were doing okay. But in this studio, no one really was. The place was a mess. Everyone was stressed, tired, angry. He had a nightmare about Norman threatening to kill him last night. Even the most cheerful face in the studio, Mr. Oswald, he often found crying in the break room. His smiles and giggles couldn't hide whatever was underneath and it was tearing Grant's soul apart. Nothing felt right. 

He got so caught up in his thoughts he didn't notice Joey was leaving until he heard the door slam behind the short man. 

"Uh!" He shook his head, coming back to himself.

He frowned, seeing the other man was gone. He did take his coffee with him though, so there was a little bit of reassurance. He finished his own cup quickly before going back to his office, just a story under Joey's. 

He was lucky Samuel wasn't here tonight, the guy always wanted to chat with him for hours. Not that he disliked it, but he never had anything interesting to say. He sat at his desk in the dark, resting his face in his hands. He didn't have any work to do tonight. He was there because Joey was. That's all. He could hear his boss' radio crackling from above, just noise coming out of the speaker. Why wasn't he switching to a station that was still playing? He hoped he was taking a break and wasn't still drawing. He noticed how sometimes he had a splint or bandages on his wrist. It was almost systematic now that he thought about it. He knew he couldn't talk to him about that, maybe he would listen to Henry more, they seemed to be friends. Or close, at least. They were arguing a lot. But Joey always yelled at everyone for anything. He felt so out of place here. Everyone was so creative -they were all artists after all- and he was only here to count numbers. He couldn't draw anything more advanced than stick figures, he didn't know how to sing either. It made him feel like he was less important, less interesting. He would love to play an instrument like Samuel, or draw as good as any of the animators here- mostly Henry, as he was the one drawing most of the storyboards and keyframes. He remembered visiting him in his office. All the drawings on the walls, the big poster of the first Bibi and Patches cartoon framed behind his desk. Mr. Oswald seemed to like him, too. At least one of his bosses did. They were so different from each other, like day and night. Grant wondered how they got along to create this studio together. 

In his office, Joey was having a bad time. His hand was killing him. He couldn't just ignore the pain and keep going anymore, he couldn't do anything but rest. He slammed his useless limb on his desk in front of him, staring at it with blank, lifeless eyes. Pathetic. Miserable. Tears started streaming down his cheeks followed by bitter, painful sobs. He wasn't sad. He was angry. Frustrated. Furious he couldn't push himself further because his stupid body couldn't follow. He wasn't his body. He was above that. There was only a few keyframes left for tonight but he could not do them. He tried closing his fist but even to him it was unbearable. Maybe next time he will be able to push his limits again. There was so little left to do. He was almost finished. His jaw was straining with how hard he tried to hold back his anger. He had absolutely no control over anything right now. He got out of his chair, he needed to get his cigarettes from his coat. He stayed still for an instant, his head spinning and his vision blurred. He fucking hated that. What a worthless piece of meat. He browsed around his coat nervously with his right hand, keeping the other buried in his pants' pocket. He didn't want to see it. The second he pulled out the little cardboard box and his lighter out of his coat he crashed back at his desk, not feeling worthy of the comfort of his armchair. He opened his pack. Only three cigarettes left. He bought it yesterday. He sighed, taking one to his lips and lighting it up. He'll probably finish the other two tonight. Laying back in his chair, he took along drag on his cigarette, deeply sighing out the smoke until his lungs were empty. His eyes drifted down to his work in front of him and the little light left in his eyes started bleeding down on his cheeks again. Don't think about it. Don't think. Don't. He took a deep inspiration to scream his anger out, wanting to send everything flying off, maybe punch a wall and leave to crash his hearse somewhere cold and quiet to rest. He didn't make a sound. Only grey smoke seeped out from between his yellowed teeth. He didn't have the strength to scream. There was no point. That wouldn't make him feel better. Nothing could. Another deep, pained breath. Tears flowing down freely. His eyelids felt heavy. There was no way on earth he would allow himself to sleep until these keyframes were done. The deadline wasn't even close. He didn't know why he was pushing himself so hard. They even were in advance on the schedule. Yeah, because of  _ him _ . He had to work more. He had to be better. He had to show how things are done. He had to inspire respect and awe. 

_ My God, Joey! How did you manage to do so much? You're so fast, so talented. You were really made for this. Oh, you know- I really can't draw anything more than a circle, but you, you draw so well! And you give life yo it, you animate it! It's wonderful. It's like magic! I really wish I could do tha-  _

No, you don't. 

You don't want to be stuck at a table drawing the same shit over and over and over and over and over again for days- if not months. You don't have what it takes. A strong mind. The ability to break yourself so you don't think. Only draw. It's soulless, brainless work. It's exhausting.  _ It hurts. _

Joey coughed. The tobacco was finished, he was burning the filter. Disgusting. He dipped the burning end in a glass of water that was sitting on his desk -he was supposed to take his meds with it this morning, he forgot- and put it aside. He grabbed a new cigarette from the pack to light himself a new one. He put it back down and raised his head towards the door of his office.

Footsteps.

Knock knock knock.

A quiet, whispy voice. Joey didn't even bother listening to what he had to say.

_ "What do you want." _ He said, his voice loud and clear to show Grant how to speak. Only after he spoke he realised how shaky and miserable he sounded. Tears still in his throat.

The door opened slowly, the short and thick figure of the other man appearing in the doorframe. He look so crooked up on himself. So intimidated. So small. 

"... I just wanted to make sure everything was o-" 

The little man stopped mid sentence, observing Joey's face with anguish. A chubby hand raising to his mouth.

"Oh my God, have you been crying?"

Oh, shit. 

_ "No." _ Joey replied casually, wiping still wet tears from his face with his sleeve. He was sure his face was as red as it could get. He was sure he looked like shit. Wouldn't change much from the usual.

Grant gulped. Of course he was crying. What could he do? Urgh, you shouldn't have thought about this! He took a step in, closing the door carefully behind him. He took a deep breath. 

"Joey..." He started, his voice slightly louder than usual. 

Bold choice of words here, young man. That's your boss you're talking to. Joey raised an eyebrow, looking at him with complete disinterest when the other man walked up to his desk, risking a hand on the wooden surface. Grant looked up at Joey. The redhead avoided his honey eyes, wrinkling his nose. 

"Joey," He repeated, a short pause as if he was looking for his words.

"I know you're not okay. I can see it."

Silence. If you don't acknowledge his presence he'll disappear. Don't look at him. He'll shut up. 

"Listen- I... I know I'm new here, I'm just the accountant, we're not... Close, but I can see you need help. and I just want you to know that I'm here if you ever need. I don't know how, but I'd do all I can to hel-" 

Joey stood up while Grant was talking. He slowly walked to the door, putting his hand on the doorknob for balance.

_ "I don't know how to put this... Uhm. Fuck off. Get out." _ He said slowly, opening the door for Grant.

He stood his ground.

"I don't want to leave you like that. I can't. You-"

_ "There's nothing wrong with me." _ Joey cut him sharply, his voice much louder than Grant's.

"Mr. Drew,"

_ "What? You only understand numbers? I told you to leave me alone! I thought you'd be smart enough to obey." _ He hit the door with his fist, making Grant jump in surprise. His voice rose again, louder, angrier.

_ "Do you think I need some kind of brain dead toddler running around me? Do you think you're worth something to me? I can't fucking stand seeing your stupid face, you're disgusting. You're better off locked in your office doing useful things instead of playing the little angel, or whatever. I don't fucking need you!" _

Grant took a deep breath. It's okay. He doesn't mean it. He never does. Yes, it hurts. He doesn't want to cry just now.

"I know you're a good person deep down. I have seen how you can be, Joey. Thoughtful. Generous. You work so hard, and it's amazingly done! You come up with fantastic ideas for the cartoons, and everyone can count on you here. I know it. I see the love in your eyes. It's there. I don't know how you can do so much and end up still standing up at the end of the day... You're someone I look up to, really. I know you're great."

_ "Get on your fucking knees if you wanna keep sucking my dick so bad."  _ Joey hissed, disappointed people still managed to find qualities in him. He hated compliments.

Grant didn't really think at this moment. He heard a command, he executed. Only after he dropped down on his knees he heard the end of the sentence. 

Oh. 

Oh no. 

He stared at Joey with wide eyes, too embarrassed to say anything or move.

Joey looked at him with disgust. 

_ "Are you serious?" _

Was this some kind of stupid joke? 

He stood there in silence for a few seconds, his brain trying to process something. He didn't know what exactly. 

He just grabbed his coat and his hat and left, turning the light off as he exited his office, leaving Grant here alone on the floor without a word. He'll have time to think about what happened back home. What the hell. What went through Grant's stupid little brain? He was sure he was making fun of him. 

Grant stayed there in the dark for a bit. Was he stupid? Why did he do that? What was Joey thinking of him now? He didn't want to have a panic attack right here and right now. He called the day over too and ran away to his office to grab his stuff to leave the studio too. He did wait almost half an hour to make sure he wouldn't accidentally walk on Joey outside. 

What did he do?


	3. Chapter 2- The Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for a sex scene at the end of the chapter -not necessary to read but it's important to the story-

The alarm clock screamed 5 am. 

Grant turned over, his eyes dry from a night of crying and stress. He stared at the little needles of the clock glowing in the dark. He should get up and get ready for work. His body was aching. He was ridiculous yesterday night. He cried so hard once he was home he threw up. He just didn't think. He never does. He's so fucking stupid. He felt his head spinning and his vision go black as he stood up painfully from his bed, all his limbs shaking. He was still in his clothes from yesterday. He should change. Maybe take a shower. He stinks. He felt like shit. So he shed his dirty clothes on his way to his tiny bathroom. 

Cold water.

Cold water.

... Cold water.

This is fine. It's good for blood circulation, they say. 

"What did I do yesterday...?" He whispered to himself. 

This was so embarrassing. He made a fool out of himself in front of his boss. Dropping on your knees like that, really? What is wrong with you? Would you have been okay with what could have happened? 

  
  


... Maybe.

  
  


... Yes.

Grant stared blankly at the bottom of his bathtub, watching the freezing cold water flowing down the drain. 

Yes, he thought Joey was attractive. Grant loved his cold blue eyes, his rumbly voice, his freckles, his elegant face, how he always looked perfectly posed, his long hair... He wondered how he would look like with his hair down. It was always tied up. He started to imagine how he would look like, with this beautiful coppery golden hair cascading down the speckled white of his bare shoulders... Was it long enough to reach the middle of his back? How would he look like underneath? Freckles everywhere? Did he shave? ...Was he big or small?

The water didn't feel so cold anymore.

Would he be gentle? Would he make it hurt? Would he rather be on top or under him? What would he sound like? What positions would he prefer? Would there be cuddles afterwards? No, that didn't seem to be his type. Grant didn't mind. Grant was breathing too hard to hear his alarm go off again. 

He got back to his senses, feeling guilty, satisfied, yet yearning for more. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He didn't have time to shave. His face was red. He felt disgusting. 

Oh, right. Clothes. He was gonna be late for work- not that anyone cared. Everyone seemed to come in at the time they pleased. Besides Joey, of course. No time to tie your other shoe, you're going to be late. The subway station wasn't too far away, but he was always terrified of missing his ride. He grabbed his bag and his hat and left his tiny apartment in a hurry. 

6 am.

He was finally in front of the studio. The sun was rising slowly. He thought about going to Joey's office to apologise first hand. He stopped a story underneath and hid in his own space. What would he say to him? He was starting to breathe hard again. Not for the same reasons as earlier. Apprehension. Fear. Don't cry. Don't you fucking cry. Hot tears dripping down his face. Nothing else but choked up sobs. He couldn't slow down his breathing. He was starting to feel dizzy. Losing touch. Grant, control yourself. It took him a few minutes to get back to his senses. He wiped his tears away. His face was all red. He felt disgusting. 

"Good morning Mr. Drew. I just wanted to say sorry about what happened yesterday night. I did not mean to do that, really. I was tired and anxious and I didn't really understand what you meant. I do still stand by what I said. I meant it. I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable, I promise it won't happen again."

He looked at his door. 

He will go apologize right now.

The morning passed.

He will go apologize after lunch.

The afternoon passed.

He will go apologize tonight.

Weak legs, small steps through Sammy's office. Up the service stairs. Mr. Oswald was gone already. Mr. Drew wasn't. He walked slowly, quietly, through the corridor, to the door at the end of it. He held his breath, ready to knock on the door.

Joey was tired. Nothing new. He was enjoying the company of a cigarette, comfortably installed in his armchair. He finished his work for once. His wrist was killing him even worse than yesterday. He didn't care. He heard creaking down the stairs. Oh no, not him again. He wasn't sure he fully accepted what happened yesterday still. It happened so fast. It was so weird. Would he have been okay with what could have happened? 

  
  


... Maybe.

  
  


... Yes.

He took a deep breath, burning smoke filling his lungs. Don't think about that.

_ "What is it?" _

Grant lowered his hand. No point in knocking, after all. He opened the door and slipped inside of the dark room, his heart beating so fast in his chest it hurt. He stayed by the door, taking a step back with it as it clicked back in its closed state.

Awkward silence.

Blue eyes burning his skin.

_ "What is it." _ He asked again.

Grant was frozen into place. What did he plan to say already? His brain was empty. No, not empty. Remembering the wrong thing. Remembering this morning's slip up. His face got red again. He opened his mouth. No voice.

Joey sighed. He was getting tired of this clownery.

_ "Wh-" _

"I'M SORRY."

He didn't mean to be so loud. He put a hand over his mouth. 

Joey looked away, the red end of his cigarette lighting up. Not a word. He crossed his arms.

"I'm sorry for yesterday. Never I would have done that- I mean- Not like that- No, uh... That won't happen again I promise." He said quickly, his voice shaking and unsure. Way to go, idiot. What the hell are you doing.

_ "That's a shame." _ Joey mumbled to himself.

Wait.

What did he say? 

Grant wasn't sure. He took a few steps closer to his boss, hoping he would repeat himself. Joey turned around, looking at him up and down, indifferent.

Awkward silence.

Grant's brain finally clicked. Oh.  _ Oh. _ His legs felt weak.

"What?" He whispered, his voice unable to go louder.

_ "You heard me." _

"... I did."

Joey crushed his cigarette in the ashtray on the shelf next to him.

_ "Come here." _

Grant was a little lost now. Joey... Wanted this too? What to do now? Oh, okay. Grant walked to the armchair as if he was possessed. He just stood there, a few steps away from his boss, playing with his tie nervously. Joey turned his attention to Grant. Pale tired eyes going all over the chubby man in front of them. 

Despite the dirty hair, unkept beard and the dark circles under his eyes, Grant was cute. Joey liked his shapes, he liked his gold eyes. He liked how his fingers were twitching when he was nervous, how he was always so eager to please and do little things to help him. Sure, it was deeply annoying, but... How far could it go? How close did Grant really want to be? Always trying to get him to talk, wanting to make his life easier. Maybe it could become more. He thought about the night before, how Grant looked when he dropped down on his knees, how he just  _ obeyed _ without thinking, most certainly ready to do  _ anything _ .

... That could be interesting. 

It would certainly not end well. Fucking the accountant? That's a stupid idea. But Grant looked so desperate. Grant looked so needy. This pathetic little man probably never had a relationship ever. Probably no friends. He was a mess. It was obvious to anyone seeing him. Even to Joey. Joey was a mess too. It was obvious to anyone seeing him. Maybe him and Grant could have a little something together, after all. That was wrong. That was stupid. That was... not his problem right now. 

"... I hope you're not mad at me." Grant's whispy voice broke the silence.

_ "No." _

Grant was relieved Joey wasn't angry. That changed from the usual. Reassuring, in a way. He didn't know why he was still standing here in silence, but he enjoyed being so close to his boss. He didn't know how to put words on it, but he was drawn towards him. There was something eerie and exciting about Joey, he didn't know why but we wanted to be good to him- he felt that towards everyone, but it was stronger with him. He thought about last night again, less with shame but more with need. Even if it wasn't what he thought at first, he would have kneeled in front of Joey for that in a heartbeat. It was all a big misunderstanding, but if it hadn't... 

He wanted to please Joey. He wanted to please himself. He just couldn't just ask for it, now that he knew Joey was receptive to the idea of them having sex. That would sound too desperate. _ He was desperate. _ He also was getting very heated up. He looked at Joey with a question in his mind. His lips parted. He took a short breath.  _ Can you let me suck your dick? I'm completely inexperienced, but I'm sure I'll be good. Please? I need it so much. I'm sure you'll love it. I need to do it with you. _

"Uhm-”

_ "Don't just stand there. You know where your place is." _ Joey interrupted him.

Grant stopped breathing. Without a second of hesitation, he let himself down on the floor in front of Joey, looking up at him with desire. He got a little closer, right between his legs. He couldn't take his eyes off of Joey. He watched his hands as he unbuckled his belt so close to his face, always precise, not a movement out of what was needed. Grant admired that. He had untied his hair at the same time. He was stunned by how beautiful his hair looked to notice how red his boss' face was. It was probably too dark to see anyways. 

_ "That's a terrible mistake we're making right now... Don't make me regret it." _

The accountant gulped. He was right. Maybe fucking your boss was not the best idea. Maybe he shouldn't be there between his legs, looking eagerly at his crotch, impatiently waiting to please him... How would he do it? He never really did something of this sort. Not even with a girl. It wouldn't be so hard anyways, he had the same thing between his legs, he knew how it worked. He almost placed a hand on Joey's thigh, but the tiny man grabbed his hand before it reached him and pulled it more towards his hip to rest it there. Even if he was only touching him through his clothes, Grant's mind was completely blurred with this "it's finally happening" state. He stroked the soft black velvet of Joey's pants, certain his skin was even softer. He wished he was Joey's hand right now. It was in his underwear, and he could perfectly tell what he was doing. Grant's hand did the same thing, going down to satisfy his own needs. He shivered when he rubbed himself through his pants, choking up a little whimper. That made Joey raise an eyebrow. He almost smiled. Grant held his breath. Joey sighed, looking down at Grant with a soft but cold expression on his face. He was so red. His bandaged hand stroked Grant's cheek, creeping down under his chin, his thumb resting on his bottom lip. The bigger man was trembling under Joey's touch. He couldn't take his eyes off him. He didn't want to take his eyes off him. The feeling of his fingers on his face making his brain go blank. There was nothing but Joey that mattered. He didn't resist when the redhead pushed his jaw down and slipped his thumb in his mouth, rubbing his tongue. Grant just looked up at him lovingly, his eyes half closed. It was weird but he was enjoying it. Then Joey unbuttoned his boxers, finally revealing himself. Grant's face was burning. Joey's finger left his mouth and he gently pushed Grant's head closer to his dick, then grabbed a handful of his greasy black hair. 

_ "I don't wanna feel your teeth." _

"O-okay." Grant said under his breath.

Joey sighed, relaxing a little. He knew Grant wouldn't do anything stupid. He looked down at him, his face partially hidden by his hair. Grant was completely hypnotized. He was so hot. Still looking at his boss' face, he gave a shy lick to his dick before pushing his head down on it, making sure his teeth weren't in the way as he was told. Joey pulled on his hair and gasped, choking up a moan. Grant winced but kept going until his nose was buried in Joey's hairy crotch. It felt good. It was a bit hard to breathe but feeling Joey's hand grip his hair harder showed him he was doing great. The redhead's hips jerked under him as he pulled his head away slightly to get air in his lungs. He rubbed his tongue against Joey's dick, starting to suck on it hungrily. Joey growled, getting his other hand tangled in Grant's hair after a few big encouraging strokes. 

_ "Oh, motherfucker..." _ He sighed, leaning back in his armchair, tilting his head back. 

Motivated by this, Grant dared to slip his hand under Joey's clothes to stroke his fuzzy stomach, finally touching his shivering warm skin. He wanted more of it. But he wouldn't dare. Sucking his dick was so much already, it was so surreal. He was touching him. He had him in his mouth. Joey was moaning and stroking his hair. His own dick was aching in his pants, but he couldn't care less about it for the moment. Joey was slouching into his armchair, completely taken off guard by how good Grant's mouth felt. Might be because he was good at it, might be how touch starved he was. He was struggling to keep a calm composure, but he was sure Grant wasn't paying attention. Grant was taking him as deep as he could, pushing his head down, clumsy but determined. A sharp tug on his hair told him to slow down. He could feel Joey was close. He wanted this so badly. He was moaning too, without realizing it. That ended up being too much for Joey. He came in Grant's mouth, gripping on his hair desperately, his teeth clenched to keep quiet. Grant choked a little but swallowed without making too much of a mess, licking off anything that he may have spilled. Joey slowly relaxed, his fingers loosening and slipping off of Grant's hair. Grant snapped out of his state. He looked up at his boss. Blue eyes right in his. He felt vulnerable. He didn't realize how much he was drooling. All over his chin. He slowly pulled his head back, not bothering to close his mouth. Joey stroked his cheek and wiped the mix of spit and cum from under his mouth with his thumb, which Grant then licked and kissed, looking at its owner with half lidded eyes.

_ "You love this, don't you?" _

Grant paused for an instant. Yes, he did love this. It was a first for him, but he was ready to do it again.

"Y..." He cleared his throat, his voice wasn't coming out right. "I do. I'd do it again-if you want me too, of course."

Loving gaze, cold silence. Grant's heart skipped a beat. He shivered as Joey's hand ran through his hair. Slowly. Gently. He smiled, leaning his head against Joey's thigh. He'll have his fun later at home.

"That's a good idea."

No, it wasn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Before skipping to the next chapter, I wrote a little one shot that takes place between this chapter and the next- why not give it a read before continuing? 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/26049946


	4. Chapter 3- Sunshine

A good month passed. A soft, dreamy month. At first it was just sex, but the more time went the softer Joey became. Now he was staying overnight. Maybe even a couple days. Grant thought it couldn't be real. Yet here he was, woken up by the sun rays peeking through the windows of Joey's bedroom, draped in his silk bedsheets. It barely felt like real life. Last night was so much fun. He smiled as he remembered the kisses, the caresses, Joey's wild loose hair, the burning heat in his stomach... He rolled around, letting the sun warm his back. Nice summer morning. Calm. Peaceful. He had someone in his life now it seemed, although Joey probably would deny it and say they didn't know each other. But he was so soft and gentle with him, most of the time at least. The moment they were alone together, Joey turned into a completely different person. He was caring, kind, tender... Exactly like Grant knew he was under that aggressive and bitter layer he always covered himself with in public. He pulled the closest pillow towards himself and wrapped his arms around it in a tight hug. He should probably get up and say hello to Joey. He would have to out some clothes on first, though.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Joey's finger against the countertop. Watch the water boil, watch it, don't think about anything else. Grant was in his bed. Again. Last time he said never again, don't make that stupid mistake again, you're gonna feel guilty again- Stop. You're ruining him. Blue eyes stuck on the stove, jaw tensed. Gripping the countertop with both hands. Why was he like this. Why was he pretending so hard to like him. Why was he playing like that. Or was he? He couldn't get enough of Grant's shiny eyes as he looked at him. It was too good to be true... No. No. He hated it. He hated him. He didn't even realise it was all a big joke. He didn't even realise Joey was not in love. What a stupid animal.

Footsteps. 

Grant showed up in the kitchen doorway. Joey didn't turn his head. 

"Good morning Joey."

The accountant got closer and hugged him from behind, slipping a hand under his shirt to stroke his stomach, resting his chin on his shoulder. To his own surprise, Joey leaned back against Grant, giving himself up to the other man. Why was he like this?

_ "Mh." _ That's all he could say.

Usually he would have hated that. Usually he would have pushed away. Grant laid a little kiss in his neck. That made his brain go blank. 

"I hope you slept well."

He didn't. He stayed awake staring at the ceiling the second Grant fell asleep. He spent the night waiting. He spent the night regretting. 

Grant felt Joey wasn't feeling as calm as he seemed. He never did. But Grant learned quickly that he couldn't do anything about it directly. That only lead to arguments. He had to agree with him and find another way to soothe his troubles. In this instance, maybe more kisses would help. His hand slipped down Joey's underwear as he covered his neck in soft kisses. Joey's reprimanding hand stopped him right away. 

_ "I'm not drunk enough for that." _

"Don't worry, I just want to pet you."

Joey's hand relaxed.

He knew Joey loved it there. He rubbed his thumb just under his bellybutton, letting the rest of his hand warm up his colder skin. He was so soft. Joey responded to the caresses with a growly purr, leaning his head against Grant's lazily. They stayed like this for a few minutes until Joey broke away from Grant's arms suddenly.

_ "We shouldn't, uh-..." _ He trailed off.  _ "We should leave for work soon." _

He shook himself like a dog getting out of water, reaching for the cups next to the stove. 

Grant smiled, shaking his head. He let a hand wander on Joey's hip, getting closer again.

"Joey, it's sunday..." 

The redhead stopped in his action.

_ "Ah." _

He still dragged the cups towards himself, turning off the fire. Coffee was ready, so why not have a drink. He poured himself a cup of hot coffee and perched himself up on the counter near the window, letting the sun warm his back. It was even better because his black T-shirt was perfectly absorbing heat. He squinted happily, almost feeling tired now. Grant preferred to settle on a chair like a normal person.

"So, what's the plan for today since we're on break?" 

Joey was drinking his coffee, so no answer just yet. He finally lowered his cup.

_ "I figured you could go back to your own place so I can work. Alone." _

Grant frowned.

"I think you should try to rest. I'm not sure you've slept much last night."

Joey growled.

_ "Doesn't matter." _

"I'm convinced you'd work even better if you got a healthy amount of sleep."

Joey's cold glare told him to stop going further. His fingers drumming a slow, irregular beat on his cup, his eyes back down towards the floor. Grant shifted on his chair, waiting for an answer. 

_ "... Mh." _

He shrugged, looking away.

_ "It's useless at this point."  _

"Wouldn't hurt to try." Grant said warmly with a smile.

Annoyed sigh, black socks landing on the floor quietly. Empty cup in the kitchen sink.

_ "Whatever." _

Grant wasn't sure if he won yet. He observed the tiny man leaving the kitchen in silence and quickly finished his coffee to follow him. As he entered the bedroom Joey was already laying on the bed, face down. 

"Joey?" What was he doing?

He turned over, sitting up towards Grant.

_ "It's useless. Like I said." _

Grant held back a laugh, settling on the bed in a comfier spot, pulling a few pillows towards him.

"Come here, I'll help you."

Joey grumbled and reluctantly moved to lay against Grant, his head hidden against his neck. Grant put his arms around the smaller man, pulling him closer. Only now that they were settled he realised he forgot to close the curtains. Oh well. Joey didn't seem to care. Grant smiled, looking at how the sun rays made Joey's hair shimmer like gold. It was still tied up with a pencil.

"Do you want me to untie your hair?" He knew he wasn't allowed to touch it without asking.

_ "Mhm." _ Joey simply hummed after a few seconds of thinking. 

Grant pulled off the pencil and set it aside, unraveling Joey's hair with his fingers, doing his best to avoid pulling on it. He was always impressed by how long it was. It almost reached the middle of his back. He put his hand back on Joey's waist, leaving his hair alone despite wanting to stroke through it all day. He never touched anything this soft. 

Joey was starting to feel sleepy. Relaxed, at least. He did drink coffee but his body needed rest more than anything. But he wasn't sure if he could really sleep without having one of Henry's shirts with him. He didn't seem to ever be able to sleep well enough without one. That's why he kept a few in his closet. But he would never wear one in Grant's presence. He would rather die. Though he had to admit simply laying against Grant was good enough. He smelled nice. He was soft. Joey put his right hand on Grant's chest to feel his heartbeat, closing his eyes. The accountant laid a hand over his, smiling gently. He picked up his hand and raised it to his lips to lay a kiss on his palm. Joey shivered and pulled his face off of Grant's neck to look at him.

_ "Your moustache tickles."  _ He whispered, amused.

"And you think yours doesn't against my neck?"

He kissed his hand again as revenge. Joey's hand twitched and he pulled it away, wrinkling his nose, his thin boney fingers curling up like cat claws.

_ "You're not as sensitive as me-" _

He relaxed and brushed his fingers against Grant's cheek before standing up on his elbow to reach his lips and kiss him, leaning against his chest. Grant was surprised by Joey's sudden playfulness but rolled with it, kissing back softly, stroking his cheek. After a few long, loving exchanges, Grant made him lay back down. After all, Joey had to rest, and Grant was not going to get distracted from this goal. He made sure not to squish his left arm under him as he helped Joey back down on the pillows. He carefully laid it on Joey's chest before settling next to him. White bandages clashing against his black shirt. Grant ran his hand over Joey's forearm and very softly wrapped his fingers around his wrist. Joey tensed up, looking up at him with fear. 

"It's okay, don't worry. I'll never harm you."

He just let his warm hand rest on his injured wrist. It actually felt good. Joey relaxed, resting his head on Grant's shoulder.

"You should avoid letting it get that bad... You're really overworking yourself, Joey."

_ "I'm not." _

Grant knew this wouldn't go further. He didn't say anything else and just laid there, enjoying being so close to Joey.

He was concerned about his wrist. Surely this wasn't good. He knew how bad it was when he got cramps from writing too much, but he never had it to the point where he needed to keep it wrapped up all the time. But what could he do with a man as stubborn as a mule. He stopped thinking about that when Joey moved, snuggling up against him with a sleepy mumble. Grant let him install himself, shifting a little so it would be more comfortable for them both. Joey put his face back against Grant's neck, his warm breath against his skin. Grant smiled, running a hand through his hair. Even if Joey didn't fall asleep, he wouldn't work today. That was a victory. 

A fresh breeze entered the bedroom through the partially open window. It was nice to cool down the warm air inside. The sun was starting to get higher in the sky, but it still was low enough to cast its light on the bed for a while. It was like a dream. Grant couldn't not smile. He looked down at Joey. He was breathing slowly, his chest rising up and down. He didn't seem to be awake anymore.

"Joey...?"

No answer.

Yes, he was asleep. Grant was doomed to stay here and move as little as possible now. Not that he minded. He truly felt like there was more between them. Joey trusted him enough to fall asleep on him. That was so little, yet so much. Especially from Joey. He looked like a tiny kitten, all snuggled up against him. He wanted to stay here forever. He let his head rest against Joey's, bathing in his sweet lavender smell. 

If heaven was anything less than that, he would be disappointed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Before skipping to the next chapter, I wrote a little one shot that takes place between this chapter and the next- why not give it a read before continuing? 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/26049952


	5. Chapter 4- Two Can Play That Game

Stressful morning for Grant. He almost missed his train, he was too anxious and overslept, he didn't hear his alarm. His heart was beating hard when he passed the door of the studio. Why was he feeling like that? He should avoid coffee today. Wouldn't do good with his mood. He walked upstairs, hesitating an instant in Samuel's office. Should he go say hello to Joey? He did have something to say to him. The thought of it made him flustered and weak. It's been months since they were... Dating? Nothing of the sort had been said between the two men, but they sure were acting like they did. Kisses, cuddles, dried flowers between the pages of his folders. Joey's hand stroking through his hair at night. Grant could have never imagined Joey being so soft. Never he thought such a good thing could have happened to him. For once he felt like someone cared about him. Although it seemed obvious they were in love, Grant still wanted to be clear with Joey. He felt like it was important. 

"I love you..." He whispered, sitting down at his desk. 

Never these three words had been exchanged between them. He understood. It wasn't easy to say them. Especially for Joey, he thought. He was always so reserved with his feelings. Surely he was aching to say it, just as Grant did, but he was scared too. Maybe he was afraid Grant would reject him? 

Grant should reject him. 

Joey was having a breakdown in his armchair at work, an empty pack of cigarettes by his side. He couldn't get Grant out of his mind. Alcohol didn't help. Working way more than usual didn't help. It was driving him mad. He craved the kisses, he craved all the affection the man had for him. He didn't deserve this. He shouldn't allow it to happen. He was so weak willed, so pathetic to be needing Grant so much. What was Grant finding in him that made him stay? He was not a good person. Even Henry learned that in the end. He was rude, distant, he was avoiding Grant as much as he could at work... If he hated Grant so much, why was he asking him if he wanted to stay overnight, why was he still finding ways to be nice while being terrible to him at the same time? His brain was sending him mixed signals. He hated that. He just wanted this stupid thing to stop and be true to himself. But could he allow himself to do that?

The day passed slowly. Everyone left the studio one by one. Henry came to say goodbye, for once. He looked a little sad. Silence settled on the building as night laid its heavy mantle on the sky. Much earlier than the previous months. Damn November. Joey was still working, but his mind was elsewhere. He couldn't keep his focus on his drawings. He heard someone climb the stairs. Oh, at last. Maybe Grant would ravish him from his numb and sluggish state.

Hesitating silence.

Soft knock on Joey's door.

 _"Come in."_ Joey said, feeling himself bloom back to life.

Grant entered the office, always tiny and nervous, out of breath from having climbed the stairs so fast. He raised his head up to Joey, a big smile under his thick moustache.

"Good evening!"

Joey was so happy to see Grant he forgot to greet him. He held back a smile. What was it going to be today? Grant asking to stay over because he needed him, or did he just want to be close for a bit? A curious, inquisitive hum rang in his throat. Grant's face became a little pale despite his happy expression.

"How are you tonight?"

He played with his fingers, slightly jumpy. Joey raised an eyebrow.

_"I'm fine. What brings you here?"_

"Oh, uh- I just wanted to see you!"

Silence. Grant was struggling with something.

"Okay, uh. Joey... There is something I've been meaning to tell you."

Grant's voice was struggling to get out of his mouth. 

Joey got his attention to him, straightening the papers in front of him on his desk. Grant hugged himself, nervous. His gold eyes rose up to Joey again.

"I'm in love with you." Grant said quickly.

These words hit Joey like bullets. 

Oh no. 

Oh no.

Grant fell in love. He fell in love with him. Was he stupid? Why did he say that? How could he love someone like Joey? Why say it now, why here? Why? Why? Why? Disgusting. This little game went too far. Joey stared blankly at the wall in front of him.

Grant was kind. Grant was thoughtful. He was pleasing to be with. Joey had to admit he enjoyed his company. He loved to hear him laugh, hear him talk, hear him snore next to him in bed. The endless nights they spent together. How quickly did this summer passed? How quickly was he to fall for Grant? He realised that all these times he was getting himself sick over how he thought he was just playing with the other man, just abusing his kindness and his warmth, maybe he was actually _not_. Maybe he was also in love. It was not even an eventuality. He was. He was in love... And he hated that. Why was he always realising things so late. It's been three months. It was time to be finally honest about his feelings. Time to say he loved him too.

 _"I really went too far, didn't I?"_ Dry. Blank. He couldn't do it. He couldn't say it. What a coward. What an idiot.

"What?" Grant whispered, feeling tears rise in his eyes. This wasn't going as he thought it would.

 _"I..."_ He looked at Grant. _"I'm sorry I played with you like that. I should have stopped sooner."_

Grant felt his soul shatter. He couldn't understand what was going on. He held back his tears, his jaw trembling. After all they did, said, lived together? It was all fake? He couldn't believe it. He didn't want to. It didn't make sense.

"Joey, what are you saying?" His voice was so weak. 

Joey sighed. Why was he doing that. Why was he ruining everything. He stood up, walking past Grant to reach for the door.

_"What I'm saying is that I don't want to see you anymore. I regret to have done this but we're not meant to be. It was a stupid idea."_

Grant felt like he was falling. Why was he acting like that. It didn't feel sincere. He was silently looking at Joey, holding his breath. He placed himself between the door and Joey, blocking the way.

"Now you're gonna listen to me, Joey." Grant said firmly, despite being on the verge of tears.

Joey froze. All the times Grant said his name, it was soft, almost like a prayer. All the times he was whispering his name when they were in each other's arms, all the times he was screaming it in ecstasy... Love and kindness always surrounded him between Grant's lips. For the first time it was nothing more than a hiss. An agonizing animal's last cry. 

"Why would you do this? Why did you let me fall in love with you? Why did you take me in your arms if you didn't want me near you?" He wasn't holding back. His voice was cracking. His tears were rolling on his cheeks. 

Joey was looking down, away from him. He tried to walk around him to reach the door, wanting to escape the situation. Grant pushed him away from it and grabbed him by the wrist. The bad one. Joey winced, staying silent. He didn't dare moving.

"Answer me! I've been nothing but nice to you, I've devoted myself to you, I've done my best to make YOU happy!" He sobbed, taking a pause to take a deep, painful breath. "Why did you do this? Why are you like that? What the fuck is wrong with you?!" 

He pulled Joey away from the door, pinning his bandaged wrist against the wall over his head. The redhead didn't resist, he didn't want to risk hurting himself further.

Grant felt strangely good about this. Only now he realized he was holding Joey by his weakest point. He was in control, he thought. Joey was weak. Brittle. Frail. Grant was much bigger, much stronger than him. He could break him. Like he just broke his heart. He pushed his wrist harder against the wall. Joey let out a shaky whimper from between his clenched teeth.

"Oh, that's what it takes to make you talk?" 

He squeezed his wrist, a cruel spark in his eyes. He knew how it looked under the white strips of fabric. There was more than carpal tunnel problems. It looked like some kind of wild animal attacked him. Not even a few days ago he was helping Joey cleaning the wounds, putting clean bandages back on. He remembered laying a kiss on his palm before letting go. Why did Joey show him how vulnerable he was if it was all a game? If it was meant to stop so soon? It did not make sense. Joey was breathing fast. He looked like a scared rabbit. All curled up on himself, his body relaxed, motionless, only his chest wavering under his too large black shirt. The new flash of pain coming from his wrist ripped a new growl from him. His arm twitched. 

"Tell me, now. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to _yourself_? Talk to me."

Tensed silence. Grant's bitter sobs. Joey was wincing from the pain.

"Oh, so you don't like hurting? Why are you doing this to everyone around you, then? Why are you so awful to Mr. Oswald? I know he values you. You're a dear friend to him! Why do you talk to him like that? Can't you see how much he loves you? Can't you see that hurts him? And why are you so awful to Samuel? He's a nice, creative, funny guy! He's worried for you too! He cares about you despite the SHIT you throw at him constantly! Henry loves you! Samuel loves you! Wallace loves you! I love you! No matter how horrible you are to us we are stupid enough to keep loving you! Why are you pushing all the people who love you away from you systematically? Why are you refusing their help? Why are you refusing their love? What makes you think it's okay to treat them like that? Why are you being such a piece of shit when I've seen- when **we** 've seen how great you can truly be? Why are you hiding that? What makes you so scared of being a good person? Can you say why? Do you even know?"

Joey kept his mouth shut. A tear streamed down his face.

"Is that what you want? Being hurt back? Do you want to play this game?"

He could feel his fingers crack because of how hard he was gripping on Joey. He was hurting him. He deserved it. Joey was sobbing against the wall, his face down and away from Grant.

"I can do it too, see? I can stop being nice. I can be terrible to you too. You're not special. If anything, you're just like everyone else."

But then Joey raised his head. Slowly, struggling. His mouth twisted in pain, his face red and his eyes full of tears. Grant realized what he was doing. Grant wanted to care. But his brain was so fogged up by a the anger and hurt, he couldn't. He knew he was really damaging Joey's wrist right now, but it was just too bad for him. He felt blood seeping through the white fabric onto his hand. 

_"Let me go."_ Shaky, weak. Barely recognisable as Joey's voice. He broke down into tears as his sentence ended.

Grant stared. Unmoved. At least on the outside. He tugged on Joey's hand and slammed it hard against the wall again. Something definitely cracked. Joey's body tensed up and he yelped in pain, crying harder. Loud.

_"LET ME GO. LET ME GO, GRANT!"_

Now he was struggling to free himself from Grant's strong hold, weakly clawing at his arm, barely able to grip the fabric of his shirt. Frantic. Desperate. Scared. Grant never thought he would hear his name being screamed like that. Especially not coming from Joey's mouth. He looked at what he was doing in horror. Hearing Joey scream his name woke him up. This was a human being he was torturing like that. This was the man he loved that was crying and trying to break free from him.

He released his wrist.

He took a few steps back.

He put his hands over his mouth.

The second he was free, Joey pressed his injured arm against his chest, holding it with his other hand, dropping on his knees. His shoulders trembling and following his hard sobs. Grant was speechless. What did he do? He felt tears rolling down his face again. It burned. 

"... I'm sorry." He whispered as he ran out of the office, leaving Joey there.


	6. Chapter 5- Fallen From Grace

They didn't see each other much after that. Grant was terrified of seeing Joey again. Luckily for him, Joey was avoiding him like never before. At first they passed each other in the corridors every now and then. Grant did threaten him the few last times. Joey always bit back, scratched, growled, used his dark powers to make Grant cry. Grant did get a little violent after a while. It was just a slap, just a shove against a wall, just a "I'll fucking hurt you". A sharp tug on his hair, a raised fist ready to strike. Grant often "won", as he was physically stronger than the tinier man. He always regretted hurting him but he never had the self control to avoid it. And Joey didn't have to look at him like that. He could just ignore him. He should be grateful he didn't punch or kick him. He made his nose bleed, but he could have done worse. Much worse.

He wasn't sure he had seen him in a week now. He knew he may have went a little too far. He overreacted, that's true, he could admit that. But you don't play with people's feelings like that. You don't start building something with someone to just throw them away like that. Everything felt too heavy on his heart. If only he could talk about it to someone... He didn't really have friends. Maybe he should talk to Samuel. He felt like the musician would be of good advice. But Grant was afraid he would take Joey's side. It's true, after all, he knew him for much longer than he knew Grant. And he clearly was in the wrong. He couldn't talk about it anyways. Who would care? It's just some stupid heartbreak. It's just what Joey does. He felt so ashamed and dumb to have fallen for him. He knew he should get over it. He heard rumors of a broken wrist. That was his fault. 

Joey deserved it.

He didn't.

He did.

He didn't.

Grant couldn't decide. Everytime he was in the studio he could feel Joey was near. He wanted him dead. He was blinded by rage. The moment he was home he was crying in his bed, needing to be in his arms, needing to have him by his side. Why couldn't he decide between the two? He hated him. He broke his heart. But despite being shattered in pieces it was still beating for him. That made him sick. He wanted to apologise to Joey. He wanted to forget everything and start over. The other side of his mind craved revenge and violence. 

Joey wanted to hurt Grant. Those corridor attacks were still keeping him up at night. But it was comforting to know Grant hated him that much. Maybe it was over, at last. His wrist was unusable because of him. It was encased in a splint, his hand numb and weak. He tripped down the stairs, that's what he told Henry. He couldn't say the truth. What would Henry tell him?

_ Why did you do that, Joey? What did Grant do to you? He shouldn't have went that far, that's true, but why did you have to act like that? If you love him and he loves you, what's stopping you?  _

He would be right. What's stopping him? He didn't know. Or maybe he did, but he didn't accept it. Either way, it was a mystery. He wanted to be in Grant's arms. He wanted to kiss him, see his smile and his pretty golden eyes, touch his hair... Why did he mess everything up like that? He panicked. He couldn't confess his feelings. He was too proud...? No, too ashamed. Ashamed of having fallen in love so easily. Ashamed that he showed how he really was so soon. He regretted bitterly to have destroyed what he had with Grant. But it was probably for the better. He wouldn't have been able to handle a relationship. Though nothing would have changed from how it was before... 

He should stop thinking about that. Why did he even come to work today? It's not like it was useful. He couldn't draw. He couldn't write. He did some storyboarding with Henry, that's all. His hand was still unusable. Everytime it hurt it reminded him of that evening. Grant's broken voice, screaming through tears. His own ragged breathing. Everytime it hurt it made him cry. Hard, painful sobs. His vision blurred, his brain replaying the scene over and over. His wrist cracking. Henry's worried hand over his shoulder. It always ended in Henry's arms, in his comforting embrace, his shirt wet with Joey's tears. He didn't know why he was crying. He assumed it was frustration and pain. He had no idea. Joey never talked to him about Grant. He didn't see the point. It was his own personal life, after all. He'd been trying to avoid his ex boyfriend lately. He didn't want to him to see him like that. He didn't deserve to be comforted. Especially by Henry. The poor man had enough on his mind already.

The day passed slowly. Joey was locked in his office, trying to make sense of the scripts he wrote the day before. He was not right handed for sure. It was undecipherable. Since he was too exhausted to work much more, Joey decided to leave early. Still after everyone else, but early to his standards. He walked down the service stairs from his office to Samuel's floor slowly. 

He heard a door click in front of him. He didn't want to turn on the light. 

Maybe he didn't hear him yet. 

Grant's thick shadow was easily noticeable on the opposite end of Samuel's office. He stopped breathing. He stopped moving. What could he do? He was paralyzed by rage-no. He was paralyzed by  _ fear _ . He was terrified. Grant was there. What would he do now? Grant wasn't moving too. He definitely saw him. 

A hesitant gasp. 

Ruffle of fabric.

The lights turning on. 

Grant staring at him.

He didn't look aggressive. He looked tired. His eyes red from crying. His hair dirty and his beard unshaved. He was scared too.

"Joey- I'm..."

Inexcusable. Shut your fucking mouth.

"Uhm... Can we talk?"

Dead silence. Joey was petrified. Grant knew coming closer was a bad idea. He kept his distance, but moved to be in the way of the staircase to exit the building. That answered his question.

"Please listen to me. I shouldn't have reacted like that. In your office. In the hallway. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have hurt you. I'm sorry- I mean it. It's not a way to treat someone. No matter what they did to you... I see that now. I don't know what took over me... I love you still. I'm sorry for what I did. I won't try making any excuses, there are none."

He took a deep breath. It was hard for him. Joey was staring at him blankly. He couldn't believe it.

_ "You're the bad one here. You're no angel. Don't start thinking I'll forgive you."  _ Joey hissed, raising his injured wrist to mark his point.

Seeing it, Grant started crying. He looked down. He was the one who did that. 

"I'm so sorry..." He whispered, hiding his face in his hands.

_ "I don't fucking care that you are! I should be the one crying!" _

Joey raised his voice, feeling he had power over Grant, now that he was crying. 

_ "But I'm not gonna fucking cry today. Not for you. I have no pity. I have no regrets." _

Grant was breathing hard. He felt angry again. He didn't want that today. He wanted to show he was better. He didn't want to hurt Joey anymore. He should let him scream his head off until he calms down. That's how everyone did with him. It worked usually. He wiped the tears off of his face with a hand, struggling to calm down.

_ "You're miserable." _

"I don't want to fight."

_ "Oh? Not anymore? I thought you loved hurting me. You've had enough of it?"  _ Aggressive. Sharp. Loud.

"Yes. It was so mindless of me. I'm so sorry of how much I hurt you." Weak. Scared. Shaky.

_ "Yeah? Well that wrist isn't gonna unbreak itself now huh?" _

Grant dared looking up at Joey, fighting to not break down into sobs again. Joey's face was burning red from anger. He took a step forward.

_ "You can't erase what's done, Grant. You can't just forget about everything and start over." _

Oh, if Joey could. Grant realised what he did was wrong. Joey's heart was aching more than his wrist. He wanted to forget everything. He could forgive Grant. It was his own fault after all. Seeing Grant in this state hurt. But he couldn't change directions now. None of them deserved it. Grant should keep hating him. It wasn't fair for him. Grant got closer to Joey as well.

"I could. I would for you. I love you. I love you. I'd do anything for you..."

_...I love you too. _

No, he couldn't.

When Grant moved he freed the way to the stairs. Joey could escape now. Or, Joey could run in Grant's arms. Forget everything. Be happy again. Keep each other warm in the upcoming winter cold. Revive the love and everything that happened this summer. He needed it. He was falling. 

No. 

He won't allow that to happen.

He glared at Grant. Apathetic. Cold. His blue eyes right in his. Grant sniffed.

_ "I don't know what you want. I never loved you. You're a burden. You hurt me. I don't know what you're trying to do right now. I don't know why you're still trying to talk to me. How can you still say you love me? I'm not made for this. I'm tired. I'm broken. I'm a ruin. I can't be happy. Not with you. Not with anyone. I don't deserve it and You don't either. I don't know why I'm like this but at this point I don't care. I'm stressed. I want relief. I want blood. Hurting myself isn't enough anymore. I'm sorry fate decided you were to be the victim."  _ Joey's voice was shaking.

What was he saying? Grant was starting to panic. 

"What?"

_ "Shut the fuck up! I can't fucking stand your voice! I can't fucking listen to it anymore!" _

"Joey you're out of your mind! Please calm down! I beg you!" Grant pleadingly whispered, trying not to give in to his feelings. 

Joey often spiraled down like this. When he was getting tired or in the morning when he was hungover and needed a drink. 

"Deep breaths. Focus on your hands. Or look at the floor." He knew he wasn't the best person to help him right now, but there was nobody else besides them in the building and Grant always helped him with that during the four months they lived as a couple.

"I'm here." 

He took a few steps forward. Joey hissed, lunged forward. He punched him in the stomach with all his strength. He didn't think. He just reacted.

_ "I DON'T WANT YOU TO CARE ABOUT ME!" _

Grant's breath was cut sharp from the hit. His vision was blurry. Joey pushed him back effortlessly. His face flushed red in anger. His eyes glistening with tears. Grant took a sharp, wheezy breath. Time felt like it stopped. 

"Please get back!" He raised his hands in a defensive manner, still knocked out by the punch. 

He took a few steps backwards but Joey closed the distance between them again.

"I don't want to fight!"

Joey barked, baring his teeth.

_ "I'll fucking kill you!" _

"Get back! Calm down I beg you! Joey!"

Grant started crying again, he didn't know what to do. He couldn't try anything but compromise. Try to calm him down. He wanted this to be over. He moved back again, trying to find a wall to hold onto. Joey sure didn't miss him. He grabbed on some metal. Oh. It's the elevator door. He leaned against it, trying to breathe normally again. He was too panicked to be functional.

The elevator wasn't inside anymore. It has been removed for reparations. There is just an empty tunnel straight down to the abyss.

And Joey knew that.

_ "I'll throw you down there. It will all be over." _

What? Grant looked behind him. His heart skipped a beat. His breathing stopped again. He sprung back towards Joey. He couldn't talk, he couldn't run away. He shook his head, his eyes wide open in fear, staring at Joey. 

The shorter man was right in front of him. His face blank, his eyes shiny. He grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. Pushed him back. Grant could feel the cold air raising from the depths of the studio. 

"Joey no! Please calm down I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'll leave this place, I'm begging you let me go! You'll never see me again I swear! If you want me to leave I'll do it!"

Oh, he won't ever see you again, Grant.

It still wasn't too late, surprisingly. Joey knew that. He could back off. He could melt down into tears and have Grant comfort him. He would do it, he's stupid. But giving up now would be a sign of weakness. He started something, he'll finish it. Even if that was gonna destroy what remained of himself. He couldn't stop looking into Grant's eyes. Full of tears, full of fear. He didn't want to die. Joey didn't want him to die. Joey loved him. 

_ "I'm gonna do it!" _ He growled, shaking Grant a little. He was trying to motivate himself.

Grant whined in distress. 

_ "I'll throw you down there!" _

He won't.

He couldn't.

There was no going back now. He couldn't let his feelings hold him back from what had to be done. He took one last look into Grant's eyes.

He did it.


	7. Chapter X- what now

Everything after felt hazy. The drive back was impossible to remember. He climbed the cold staircase up to his apartment, his mind empty and his eyes unable to focus on anything. His shaky hands reaching for his keys in his pocket. He needed safety. He needed home. He locked the door behind himself and mindlessly walked to his bedroom, leaving the keys on the entrance door. He didn't make it to half of the living room. He crashed down on the floor, sitting there in the dark. 

He just killed someone.

Someone he loved.

He did it with his own two hands.

Grant is dead.

Joey killed him and how he's dead.

No more laughs, no more kisses.

No more him.

There was anguish in Joey's heart. He was responsible for this. Why did he do that? What's wrong with him? He loved Grant so much. Why did he go that far? Why did he have to murder him? Why didn't he just fire him or stay away from him? Why was he like that? Why was he pushing everyone he loves away from him systematically? First Robert, then Henry… And now Grant? He didn't kill Robert. He didn't kill Henry. He was awful to them. He tried to make them leave him alone. Robert was smart and did the smart choice. Henry didn't. Henry was still in love with him. But they weren't dating anymore. It was for the best. He didn't even know how Henry was doing. He didn't talk to him in days. If not a week. Why was he like this? He couldn't remember the last time they had a conversation. He couldn't remember the last time he gave news to his parents or even visited them. He didn't want to be a burden in their lives. They didn't deserve this. They should realise he's awful and rotten and unredeemable. He wanted to be in Grant's arms right now. Hear him hum a lullaby to help him calm down. See his smile, kiss his cheek, fall asleep bathed in his comforting smell. Tears rained down on the wood floorings. Gritted teeth, shivering skin. When will this stop? There was so much love in everyone around him, even for his sad, disgusting self. Nothing he did worked on Henry. He was too stupid to notice for sure. Everyone he loved he treated in such an awful manner. Why was he like this? 

He punched the floor with his right hand. The pain wasn't strong enough to cover up how much he was hurting. That just made him cry more. He collapsed on the floor, sobbing hard, losing grasp on his life to give in to his feelings.

A sharp knock on his door woke him up. He raised his head up in a jolt. Did he really pass out on the floor right here? His face was sticky from the tears he shed last night. He was trembling like a wet dog.

"Joey?"

Oh no, it's Henry. This familiar voice made Joey's heart crumble down again. The doorknob turned. Thank the stars it was locked.

"Joey… I don't know if you're awake or even here…"

Clinking of keys. Henry whispering something.

"Okay you're definitely in here."

Absinthe stayed quiet. He wasn't there.

"I know you don't want to talk to me, but there's bad news and I think you should be informed." His voice was cracking. Sad. As if he was about to cry.

"The Gent employees came to work on the elevator this morning and…"

A pause.

"They found Mr. Cohen-" His sentence cut short. He sniffed. He was crying.

"The police came and they're investigating on what happened and-"

He sobbed. Joey heard him slide down to sit against the door.

"One of the workers forgot to close the door on Sammy's floor and we think Grant fell from here." 

Silence. He was probably crying behind the door. Joey felt bad Henry was crying because of him. Why was he there? He should be leaving him to rot alone.

"I'm here if you need. I didn't think anyone could die in our studio. It's hard to think about."

Joey didn't want to need Henry. He wanted to open the door, tell everything. Cry in his arms. Make sure he would never do anything bad again. Have Henry take care of him… Henry didn't deserve this. Joey didn't deserve Henry caring for him. He shouldn't be here. 

He shouldn't love him still. 

Nobody should. 

He'll make sure nobody ever will.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave some feedback or criticism, it really motivates me to do more !
> 
> If you want to know more about my AU, my Tumblr blog is @the-hellion-studio!


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